Satan in 2008

I've had another epiphany--a vision of such clarity as to provide absolute conviction--said epiphany taking the form of a political ad:

(Behind a desk sits the Devil. Horns, hooves, barbed tail, maybe a flaming halo, the whole demonic bit. He is, however, not red-skinned, but decidedly--almost pointedly--Teutonic in appearance. He has, of course, a charming smile and a soothing voice.)

Voiceover: I'm Lucifer, Lord of the Flies, and I approve this ad.

Devil: My fellow Americans--yeah, I'm one of you, "a citizen of all nations," you know the drill--I'd like to introduce myself. Some call me Satan, some call me Beelzebub, some call me a man of wealth and taste. But tonight, I'd like you all to get to know me as the Republican candidate for the presidency of the United States.

Now I know what you're thinking--and it's true, I've had a few youthful indiscretions. A few misdeeds. A few acts of pure and utter evil. But which of us hasn't done one or two things in his youth he'd just as soon forget? The important thing is, I've learned from my mistakes--and I like to think I'm a better candidate because of them.

(Gets up from behind the desk to half-sit in front of it--intimate and friendly. A wider shot reveals that the floor of his office is carpeted with the faces of the damned, their whispered howls of torment occasionally audible. The Devil notices the sound, and chuckles good-humoredly.)

Don't mind the noise--those are just gents who died of AIDS and ladies who died during botched abortions. I think we can agree we don't need to worry about them too much! (Laughs mildly, then gets serious.)

Folks, I want you all to know that, whatever you may think of me, I share your values. It's true--for one thing, like you, I believe in Jesus and acknowledge Him as the Son of God. Heck, I've met Him on more than one occasion, and I can tell you, He's a heckuva guy! Changed my life, I can tell you that for sure. I don't hold with those secularists who want to tell us there's no Heaven, no Hell, no consequences to the moral choices we make--why, I'm living proof that's just not so. So that judiciary who tries to make decisions based on science and the law--well, I've got no place for those folks--like you, I was happier back in the days when the Church made the calls--when people either followed the word of God as interpreted by, let's say, 'deeply committed,' absolutist-minded men of unthinking spirituality, or they got the worst kind of punishment humanity could devise. Let's face it, folks: a few more burnings at the stake, and this whole 'teaching evolution in our schools' situation is gonna shape up real quick. So you see, I'm right on your side on this whole 'rule of religion' thing. I say make prayer in schools mandatory--make kids think that religious devotion is a chore--a burden--homework!--rather than a chosen solace and a means of self-reflection and growing commitment to a higher power. Teach 'em to pray by rote, and they'll never think about the meaning of the words. Prayer in schools--it's got my vote, if I get yours.

Abortion? Hate it! Can't stand it! Those innocent little babies with their pure souls going straight to Heaven? It's an abomination, a Holocaust--and believe me, I know Holocausts! And the idea that women should be allowed to choose to avoid the misery and hardship that comes from their sins of fornication--or the rape and incest that, really, we all know they really wanted, the dirty, dirty whores--oh, you better believe I'm not in favor of that. The more lives on this earth, the better, I say--more souls equals more raw material for me--and for God, of course! But mostly me--heh! I mean, the more souls born into poverty and neglect and the cruelty of life that makes them question the existence of a loving God--why, that's my meat and potatoes! Folks, vote for me, and I'll stop this terrible, terrible medical procedure from ever happening again. Heck, I'll outlaw birth-control and sexual education, too--nothing like a fresh outbreak of STDs to teach these youngsters a lesson--their ignorant, soul-crushing suffering is better for me, and for you.

Gay marriage? Don't approve of it--hate it! Like all marriage, it promotes monogamy, encourages loving commitment, and creates a stable home environment. Marriage can be misery, and I love that, but come on--marriage is a sacrament, I've got to be against that. Plus, married people live longer, which means they go to hell later. Keep those faggots and dykes desperate and promiscuous, I say. Vote for me, and marriage will be a closed door to those...people.

Homeland security? Oh, we're gonna lock a lot of people up, you can bet on that--and I guarantee, they'll all be brown--none of you good white folks need to worry! Nothing like a little pandemic of racism to make sure that you folks feel nice and proud of your ethnic identity, and those folks feel envy and wrath because of theirs. Vote for me, and I'll figure out a way to put blacks and Latinos on the list, too--I'll turn this country a whiter shade of pale, my fellow Caucasian-Americans.

Environment? I think we've heard just about enough of it, right? I mean, God made the Earth, right? So anything that upsets His handiwork has got to please me, and hey, if He really cared, He'd do something to stop us, right? Vote for me, and we'll be drilling in Alaska, Yosemite, and Central Park before the year's out. And I'll be offering incentives for folks to buy SUVs--got to make sure that those terrorist-supporting regimes get their blood money! A Hummer in every driveway, that's a promise. And who cares about global warming--that's why we've all got air-conditioning, right?

Taxes? Don't like 'em. I mean, where does all that money go? The military? Why, if we just used our army correctly--if we just marched in and took whatever booty we needed from the weaker, lesser nations, it'd pay for itself! Bring back the good old days of naked Imperialism, I say. And the rest of the money goes to things like Welfare, Medicare, Social Security--folks, you've got to know I can't stand the idea of taking from the rich and giving to the poor. I'm the candidate of Mammon, people--vote for me, and I'll make sure your wallets stay good and fat.

Gun rights? Oh, Lord, do I even have to go there? Folks, more guns means more gun violence--a gun in the home means that wrath is enabled a hundred-fold. I don't want to ban guns, folks--I want to make them mandatory. Background checks? Waiting periods? This isn't Canada, folks! We're Americans, and we believe in our right to bear arms--and to use them, at the slightest provocation.

Drugs? Keep 'em illegal, I say--make 'em more illegal, I say! Overcrowded prisons, monstrous drug lords maintaining their strangle-hold on terrified citizens, the violence and whoring that come from their unavailabilty--people, you don't want your kids to be able to get their hands on pot legally, and neither do I.

Censorship? Oh, you better believe I'm in favor of that. Look, if artists have the freedom to express themselves, they're just going to end up telling you stuff you don't want to hear. If sex becomes an open subject, people might learn that it's nothing to be ashamed of! Folks, I want to make TV and movies as bland and homogenous as they were back in the good old days. Nothing subversive. Nothing offensive. Drive those libidinal impulses down nice and deep--let 'em fester--let 'em turn ugly and mean. Vote for me, and all you'll see on your screen is stuff that makes Ozzie and Harriet look like Reservoir Dogs.

I could go on. Lord knows, I could. But folks, I think I've said enough. Sure, I'm the Devil. Sure, I'm the personification of Evil. Sure, I'm just doing these things to make the world a more horrible place to live in. But folks, I'm gonna do exactly what you've been clamoring for from your government. I'm gonna give you exactly the kind of country you want. And, come on, what are you gonna do--vote for a Democrat? I'm the nominee of the party you're always gonna vote for no matter what--you've got no choice. But that's OK, my fellow Americans. Because I'm a choice you can feel good about. I'll get the job done--the job you want me to do--the job I want to do. Thank you, and--oh, what the heck--God Bless The United States of America. (Under his breath.) Yeah. Right.

(A low-voiced announcer gives the sign off.)

Satan: He's doing the 'right' things for the wrong reasons.

He'd win in a landslide, people. It wouldn't even be close. Scary...