Urgh...
Still Xbox-ing my mind into mush. I'm 36 years old, I have a Ph.D. from a top-15 English Department, I'm published in both academic and fictional venues, and yet I'm saying things to myself like "Well, let me put in one more hour--maybe in that time I can figure out a way to join the Thieves' Guild!" I...am...pathetic. Pathetic and just, in someway, fundamentally wrong about the way I'm choosing to live my life. I mean, sure, it could be worse--heroin/meth, pedophilia, Christian conservatism, but still. I'm just...sad. Oh, don't misunderstand; I'm not going to stop. I mean, seriously, my Xbox is the only thing I've got going for me in my life right now. (Well, no, that's not entirely true...there are other things...people...but that's another discussion for another time. Point is, I'm mostly alone and at loose ends, and jacking in to The Box makes all the ennui go bye-bye. So hush, just let me waste the few precious moments I have on Earth before the Grim Reaper sweeps his remorseless scythe in my direction.)
And I especially need distracting/cheering up--a friendly colleague of mine just announced that she's pregnant, and she and her husband are thrilled and it's just wonderful. And I congratulated her--genuinely--but at the same time thought "...F***. No, really: F***." Because that's what I need to be doing. (Well, not getting pregnant--I'll leave that to you ladies and thank God that when He was handing out punishments for Apple Eating, I only got stuck with the agricultural duties.) But I should be having kids. Actually, I should have had them a couple of years ago. I'm ready. I really am. But, inasmuch as I'm alone--and thus way, way distant from being in a position to find someone willing to carry on my genetic material--that's just not going to happen anytime soon. And that means...well, I'm 36. It may, in fact, never happen. I may never have kids. Ever. That...is a sobering thought. Very. Saddening. Mournful. Cold.
Sigh. Can you blame me for Xbox-ing? I think not.
And I especially need distracting/cheering up--a friendly colleague of mine just announced that she's pregnant, and she and her husband are thrilled and it's just wonderful. And I congratulated her--genuinely--but at the same time thought "...F***. No, really: F***." Because that's what I need to be doing. (Well, not getting pregnant--I'll leave that to you ladies and thank God that when He was handing out punishments for Apple Eating, I only got stuck with the agricultural duties.) But I should be having kids. Actually, I should have had them a couple of years ago. I'm ready. I really am. But, inasmuch as I'm alone--and thus way, way distant from being in a position to find someone willing to carry on my genetic material--that's just not going to happen anytime soon. And that means...well, I'm 36. It may, in fact, never happen. I may never have kids. Ever. That...is a sobering thought. Very. Saddening. Mournful. Cold.
Sigh. Can you blame me for Xbox-ing? I think not.
posted by Yr. Hmbl. & Obdt. | 1:44 PM
3 Comments:
I echo Veronica's and Jehanus Bleaks' words.
But mostly, just know what you already must, that you are not alone.
As I wrote in a comment on ABDMom's blog recently, our own burdens always weigh more than our neighbor's. But we all bear a weight. Many times, as in your fate (and my own) this burden seems unfair. Indeed, I believe it is.
But I also know that idleness breeds a certain kind of self-reflection, that business won't allow. Escape as you must, but come back when you are able. You have much to contribute. We all know that.
The important question first. Did you, in fact, find a way to join the Thieves’ Guild? I have my fingers crossed for you, Dryden.
I’m equally hopeful for you regarding your future family. Perhaps even more hopeful. I personally blame the seasons changing. Out of the 5 women I’ve spoken to recently, 4 are planning to be mothers by this time next year. It surprised me – not the urge to be pregnant, necessarily – but that these women of various ages would independently decide that now was the time. I’m thrilled for (most of) them and eagerly anticipate shopping for baby gifts and planning visits, but was content with lagging behind in this particular area.
Then I left tutoring my 5th graders today, deep in thought, arrived at my car, and thought, “I want to have a baby.” Surprised – it’s not exactly a normal thought for me – I smiled before I realized that I actually meant it. Unfortunately, we still have things in common. The being alone and therefore nowhere all that close to having children thing – it’s kind of a big deal.
It’s tempting to tell you to do something. Go meet her! Start dating all the time until you find the right woman! Because you’ll be a brilliant father – you will – I think you’ll get your chance. Seems hypocritical though – I can’t think of a reason why I can believe that the right partner will effortlessly appear for me and not for you. So I guess that leaves me with sincerely wishing you the best of luck – romantically, reproductively and, yes, with the Thieves’ Guild. Hang in there.
cutting to the quick
1) maybe you wouldn't make a good father; there's nothing wrong with that. . . prove me wrong and confront your problems rather than escaping from them
2) you've already spent your time in artistic purgatory in the midwest. . . no need to repeat
3) do you have a second controller so I can play too?
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