Comfortably Numb
Well, it's official--I've gone without sex so long that I no longer miss it. Just never think about it anymore. ("What never?" "Well, hardly ever." And when I do, it's a "shrug-and-meh" moment.) I can't decide whether or not this is a good thing--since I've no prospect of intimacy in the forseeable future, or so completely and utterly sad that I should curl into a ball and retreat into a total dormancy of despair. Decisions, decisions.
I suppose pragmatism demands that I go with the former--after all, I still have grading to do. And perhaps my continuing streak of mild depression has something to do with it. I mean, combine depression with anti-depression meds with an extended period of involuntarily erotic solitude (make whatever jokes you like about that expression, I'll wait 'til you're done...pause...there), and you'll get somebody for whom the monkish life-style doesn't seem to be too unfeasible. (Although if The Name of the Rose was accurate, those guys weren't exactly going without all that much.)
But it's strange to suddenly realize that something you used to ache over is something that you've largely forgotten. Oh, I'm still prone to lengthy fits of sentimental mourning--but sex? Not so much. Odd. Disturbing? Maybe--if I ever do wind up in someone else's arms, this may be a problem I'll have to work through (poor thing, whoever she is, I'll have to be quite explicit about how it's not her, it's me--but that line never works, does it?) But for now, eh, it's probably just as well. Sex for me has always been--sappy and immature as this sounds, and I know it does, so just back off--deeply emotional. And since I'm still...tentative, emotionally speaking, better to not have that particular monkey on my back, prodding me forward to do heartless things for the sake of an amoral libido. So, time passes and we'll see what happens (almost said, "we'll see what comes," damn, that's just too easy, isn't it?)--and in the meanwhile, well, bedtime means sleep, and I've always been a fan of sleep...
I suppose pragmatism demands that I go with the former--after all, I still have grading to do. And perhaps my continuing streak of mild depression has something to do with it. I mean, combine depression with anti-depression meds with an extended period of involuntarily erotic solitude (make whatever jokes you like about that expression, I'll wait 'til you're done...pause...there), and you'll get somebody for whom the monkish life-style doesn't seem to be too unfeasible. (Although if The Name of the Rose was accurate, those guys weren't exactly going without all that much.)
But it's strange to suddenly realize that something you used to ache over is something that you've largely forgotten. Oh, I'm still prone to lengthy fits of sentimental mourning--but sex? Not so much. Odd. Disturbing? Maybe--if I ever do wind up in someone else's arms, this may be a problem I'll have to work through (poor thing, whoever she is, I'll have to be quite explicit about how it's not her, it's me--but that line never works, does it?) But for now, eh, it's probably just as well. Sex for me has always been--sappy and immature as this sounds, and I know it does, so just back off--deeply emotional. And since I'm still...tentative, emotionally speaking, better to not have that particular monkey on my back, prodding me forward to do heartless things for the sake of an amoral libido. So, time passes and we'll see what happens (almost said, "we'll see what comes," damn, that's just too easy, isn't it?)--and in the meanwhile, well, bedtime means sleep, and I've always been a fan of sleep...
posted by Yr. Hmbl. & Obdt. | 3:03 PM
2 Comments:
You know what? This reminds me of dieting in a weird way. It's difficult at first, but then it's just normal and we humans are adaptable creatures so eventually you look around and say, "Yep, sure, fine." Because it is.
The problem with dieting for me is that once you slip - remember all the foods you love and miss them - crave them - you're shocked you were able to do without for so long. (I could go on, but I'm running into your problem with the "oops - that word could be taken in a way other than it was meant" issue, and I'm trying for respectable here.)
Basically, I'm not too worried for you. When you're ready, you'll find the girl then go from there. In the meantime, sleep is lovely. And perhaps you could find yourself a cupcake or brownie. Those are nice too.
Yup. 'Nuff said.
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